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Gambling Humor - Funny Casino Jokes and Comedy Collection | OnlineCasinoSeven.com

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Gambling Humor

Gambling Humor

Take a look at Online Casino Seven's compilation of the coolest gambling jokes and humors all over the internet.

Playing Poker with the Rent Money


"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.


"You didn't do it, did you?"


"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband that the rent is paid up for six months!"



Sexy Blonde Winning


A young sexy blonde went to Las Vegas. She had been in the casino for about an hour, and realized she was thirsty. So she went to the pop machine in the hall. She put $1.00 in an a Pepsi came out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she put one last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out.


A man saw her, and he said: "What are you doing?" And the sexy blonde said: "Duh!! Winning!!!"



Blackjack Joke


A woman playing blackjack got two tens, asked a man next to her: "do you know when is the right time to split tens?" The man smiled and answered when the table is full and your buddies need a seat.



Dog Gone Poker


A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.


"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.


"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."



Your Horse Phoned


Tom came home from the casino one night and was met at the door by his wife. Much to his dismay she hit him on the head with a rolling pin?


'Why did you do that?' he asked.


'I found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,' she replies


Tom explained 'That's the name of a horse I got a hot tip on.' She accepts his explanation and apologizes for whacking him. A few days later, she nails him on the head again, even harder. When he regains consciousness, Tom asked, 'Why on earth did you hit me again?'


'Your horse phoned.'



Dog Playing Poker


Bill and Gary were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.


'The brightest dog I ever had,' said Bill, 'was an Alsatian that could play cards. He was brilliant at poker.'


'What happened to him,' asked Gary.


'Had to shoot him,' replied Bill mournfully.


'That's awful,' said Gary. 'A dog like that would be worth a million dollars.'


'Yup . . Pity . . but I had to do it,' Bill replied, 'Caught the bugger using marked cards!'



Keep your Eye on the Di


Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. Along comes a beautiful young blonde who wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice.


But she insists, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.' The two men are delighted and readily agree.


So she takes off all her clothes and rolls the dice while yelling, 'Be lucky . . Be lucky . . Be lucky.' As the dice stops she yells, 'YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON.'


She jumps up and down, kissing and hugging the dealers. Then she picks up her money and clothes and rushes away. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded.


Finally one of them asks, 'What did she roll, anyway?'


'I don't know,' replied the second, 'I hoped you were watching.'



Tip the Dealer


A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.


The player said, 'When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Similarly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?'


The dealer interrupted, 'When you eat out do you tip the waiter?'


'Yes,' replied the player.


'Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me.'


'OK,' smiled the player. 'But, the waiter always gives me exactly what I ask for . . . so I'll take an eight please.'



The Poker Pro with the Tattoo


John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he'd gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings. Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown.


John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tattoo on his penis that said "RUSH". The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.


Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tattoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tattoo.


Returning to the nurse's lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, "I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player, also, but his tattoo said "ROYAL FLUSH."



A Different Kind of Roulette


A prominent African leader is playing host to former U.S. President Clinton and Italian leader, Sylvio Berlusconi. The three men spend the day discussing what the African nation's recent talks with Russia produced.


The African leader says; "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. They also showed us how to properly drink vodka and play Russian roulette."


President Clinton looks upset; "Russian roulette's not a safe game."


The African leader smiles; "Which is why we created African roulette. You must play. I'll show you how."


He pushes a buzzer and a door opens. Six gorgeous, naked women are ushered in.


He says to President Clinton; "Choose one of these women to enjoy."


Naturally, Clinton perks up, but pauses when something strikes him; "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?"


The African leader replies; "One of the women is a cannibal."



The 3 Couples


After a long month of hard work, three friends decided to take their girlfriends on a week-long vacation in Las Vegas to have some fun in the casinos. The couples had a blast and the week flew by. When they arrived back home the friends got together for a drink and reminisced about the trip.


The first friend said, "I hate it! My girlfriend played craps all week and now all she does is swing her arms and yell '7 come 11 all night. I haven't had a good night sleep in days!"


The second buddy says, "I know exactly what you're going through, my girlfriend played blackjack and now she just bangs the bed all night and shouts 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I can't get any sleep either!"


The third guy, who looks both sore and tired, says, "That's nothing compared to what I'm going through! My girlfriend played the slots and every morning I wake up with a sore stick and an ass full of dimes!"



The Betting Man


A gambling man gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, 'Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.' The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, 'Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.' Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.


Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, 'Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.' Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, 'Go to Harrah's.' So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.


As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, 'Go to the roulette table.' The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, 'Put all your money on 17.' Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.


The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21. The voice says quietly, 'BUGGER!!!.'




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